a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
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