I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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