Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
