So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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