Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
