It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
