Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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