Michael Bay diarrhea
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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