things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
