Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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