Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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