I am puke
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
