Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
