Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
