My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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