I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
