Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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