I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
