I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i came on her dog
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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