WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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