the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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