note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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