he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
