Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
