Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
