Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
and you fell through a lawn chair
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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