and you said cock pushups were impossible
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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