I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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