saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
