We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
