I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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