My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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