Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
