My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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