I cannot find my penis.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
