The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
