I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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