Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
