I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
