Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
