I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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