Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
