TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
