Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
