You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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