I cannot find my penis.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
