were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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