She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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