mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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