just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My liver just had a heart attack.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
