At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
