the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
