It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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