Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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