i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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