Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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