I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
