i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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