For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
