apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.