and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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