I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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